Tough economic times

The other day I read an article in the Washington Post that described the difficulties couples are having splitting up. It quoted people who want and need to separate but can't because they can't afford another residence and separate grocery bills, not to mention separate health care insurance after a divorce. That's exactly what I'm seeing in my practice. During the "boom" couples whose houses had appreciated greatly were able to sell the house, and with the proceeds pay off credit card debt, and still have cash left to buy something else or provide a cushion for rental costs. Nowadays, the recession has often devoured the appreciation and left many couples with no equity or facing foreclosure or bankruptcy filing. If anyone thought dividing assets was difficult, compared to dividing debts it seems almost easy.
Despair doesn't seem like a good option, and postponing separation can only work in some situations. What other options are there? I've been impressed with the creativity many of my clients have in coming up with solutions. Some couples are deciding to hold on to the house together for awhile, hopefully until the market improves, even if one partner is living there. Others are offering to co-sign a refinanced mortgage to help the person qualify for a buyout. Some are staying with relatives or friends to save money for a period of time and be able to contribute more to the mortgage payment of the partner staying in the house with children. And several are referred to financial planners and bankruptcy attorneys who can provide expertise in choosing the right option.
Mediation provides a forum for exploring the possibilities. There is still considerable pain in choosing between several unpleasant choices. But at least there is civility and no litigation to drain the already stretched budgets.

Mentoring New Mediators

I am very excited to announce a new endeavor, Mediator Mentor. The program provides a full year of one on one consultation, using Skype, to assist new mediators in making their practice successful. We will be providing help in visioning, marketing, and many other areas of the business of mediation. I look forward to sharing what I've learned over the last ten years. More details are available at www.mediatormentor.com!

The Psychology of Snow

Today is the day after the second big snowstorm in Maryland. We are all pretty amazed at how much Mother Nature is in command ---- we usually think we are. It was heartening to see neighbors out there working together, people who barely speak on other days. As soon as we label something an "event" or a "crisis" we each seem motivated to extend ourselves beyond the normal, to help other people.

All the guys on my dead end street who have snow blowers got tired of waiting for the plow, and used their little blowers to plow a whole lane all the way to the end of the road so that everyone could get out. And they seemed to have a great time doing it! I wonder how we could stir up that sense of camaraderie, teamwork and selflessness more often?

Do our children have a voice?

Years ago, professionals working with divorce (judges, social workers, mediators, and custody evaluators) realized that putting the children "in the middle" led to terrible loyalty dilemmas that kids were ill equipped to handle. Choosing between Mom and Dad was usually a lose-lose situation for a young child, who feared the loss of affection from whichever parent he or she didn't choose. We also realized that putting kids on witness stands to testify was traumatizing, and to be avoided at all costs.
The pendulum has swung so far that many parents are afraid, during divorce, to ask their children, especially older ones, teens, what they want. Yet we all know that when a person (of any age) has a choice and some control in a tough situation it can be much more empowering than when someone else makes all the decisions for you.
So the art is in searching for that middle ground: asking kids about their feelings and desires, giving them some choice appropriate to their age, but not allowing them to choose to love one parent more than the other. It's a middle ground well worth looking for, and mediation is the perfect place for that searching conversation.

Thanksgiving

Holidays can be an especially stressful time for newly separated families. We all take comfort in traditions and predictable events during the year. The first year is always the hardest when there is a big change; after that you begin to create new traditions that can feel just as cozy as the old ones.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Holidays, divorce, and kids

The "traditional" way of handling holidays after divorce has been to alternate years, one year the kids are with Mom, the next with Dad, and so on. Recently I've noticed an interesting trend. Some divorcing couples with kids are choosing to continue spending certain holidays together. This provides the kids with an extra gift for the holiday, having both parents with them in a peaceful mode.
I don't know whether these arrangements will be maintained over the long haul, especially if either of the parents remarry, but it still feels like a positive shift, and I'm rooting for the success of all the couples brave enough to try to do this for their kids' sake.

You Promised You Wouldn't...

Sometimes in the heat of the decision to separate, promises are made without much thought. It usually goes something like this:

Q. You wouldn't get nasty and go after my pension, would you?
A. Of course not, you earned it all these years.

Part of the mediator's job is to make sure people are making informed decisions, with all the information at hand so that there isn't any "buyer's remorse" later on. So I insist that all assets and debts are listed and that they look at the whole picture before making final choices about division of their assets.

When that balance sheet shows a big imbalance, not a 50/50 split, the partner who denied wanting anything may then see it differently. The emerging conflict is tougher because of the pre-existing expectations. At least it is discussed in the mediation setting, instead of erupting later on when it feelslike there is nowhere to head but court.