Thanksgiving

Holidays can be an especially stressful time for newly separated families. We all take comfort in traditions and predictable events during the year. The first year is always the hardest when there is a big change; after that you begin to create new traditions that can feel just as cozy as the old ones.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Holidays, divorce, and kids

The "traditional" way of handling holidays after divorce has been to alternate years, one year the kids are with Mom, the next with Dad, and so on. Recently I've noticed an interesting trend. Some divorcing couples with kids are choosing to continue spending certain holidays together. This provides the kids with an extra gift for the holiday, having both parents with them in a peaceful mode.
I don't know whether these arrangements will be maintained over the long haul, especially if either of the parents remarry, but it still feels like a positive shift, and I'm rooting for the success of all the couples brave enough to try to do this for their kids' sake.

You Promised You Wouldn't...

Sometimes in the heat of the decision to separate, promises are made without much thought. It usually goes something like this:

Q. You wouldn't get nasty and go after my pension, would you?
A. Of course not, you earned it all these years.

Part of the mediator's job is to make sure people are making informed decisions, with all the information at hand so that there isn't any "buyer's remorse" later on. So I insist that all assets and debts are listed and that they look at the whole picture before making final choices about division of their assets.

When that balance sheet shows a big imbalance, not a 50/50 split, the partner who denied wanting anything may then see it differently. The emerging conflict is tougher because of the pre-existing expectations. At least it is discussed in the mediation setting, instead of erupting later on when it feelslike there is nowhere to head but court.