Do our children have a voice?

Years ago, professionals working with divorce (judges, social workers, mediators, and custody evaluators) realized that putting the children "in the middle" led to terrible loyalty dilemmas that kids were ill equipped to handle. Choosing between Mom and Dad was usually a lose-lose situation for a young child, who feared the loss of affection from whichever parent he or she didn't choose. We also realized that putting kids on witness stands to testify was traumatizing, and to be avoided at all costs.
The pendulum has swung so far that many parents are afraid, during divorce, to ask their children, especially older ones, teens, what they want. Yet we all know that when a person (of any age) has a choice and some control in a tough situation it can be much more empowering than when someone else makes all the decisions for you.
So the art is in searching for that middle ground: asking kids about their feelings and desires, giving them some choice appropriate to their age, but not allowing them to choose to love one parent more than the other. It's a middle ground well worth looking for, and mediation is the perfect place for that searching conversation.

Thanksgiving

Holidays can be an especially stressful time for newly separated families. We all take comfort in traditions and predictable events during the year. The first year is always the hardest when there is a big change; after that you begin to create new traditions that can feel just as cozy as the old ones.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Holidays, divorce, and kids

The "traditional" way of handling holidays after divorce has been to alternate years, one year the kids are with Mom, the next with Dad, and so on. Recently I've noticed an interesting trend. Some divorcing couples with kids are choosing to continue spending certain holidays together. This provides the kids with an extra gift for the holiday, having both parents with them in a peaceful mode.
I don't know whether these arrangements will be maintained over the long haul, especially if either of the parents remarry, but it still feels like a positive shift, and I'm rooting for the success of all the couples brave enough to try to do this for their kids' sake.

You Promised You Wouldn't...

Sometimes in the heat of the decision to separate, promises are made without much thought. It usually goes something like this:

Q. You wouldn't get nasty and go after my pension, would you?
A. Of course not, you earned it all these years.

Part of the mediator's job is to make sure people are making informed decisions, with all the information at hand so that there isn't any "buyer's remorse" later on. So I insist that all assets and debts are listed and that they look at the whole picture before making final choices about division of their assets.

When that balance sheet shows a big imbalance, not a 50/50 split, the partner who denied wanting anything may then see it differently. The emerging conflict is tougher because of the pre-existing expectations. At least it is discussed in the mediation setting, instead of erupting later on when it feelslike there is nowhere to head but court.

Filing for Divorce - Do It Yourself

Some people are mystified by anything legal and rush to hire a lawyer to take care of the problem. Not so for most of my clients, who are usually interested in proceeding in the most economical way. It's part of a mindset that says "We can learn how to do this" even if we've never encountered it before.

The courts in Maryland have made it easier to file "pro se" i.e. representing yourself, in divorce. The official court forms are on-line and can be printed out and filled in.

See for yourself at http://www.courts.state.md.us/family/forms/domrel.html. And there are real live people at the the Family Division in the Circuit Court in each county who will answer your question if you get stuck.

Weddings

As a mother of two girls, I've always known I might need to pay for two weddings. When developing a Parenting Plan, divorcing parents who have daughters should include that question in their discussions, along with whether they will share the cost of a higher education.

Books to check out

He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After 40 (Paperback)
by Erica Manfred

Two Homes (Paperback)
by Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton (Illustrator)

Was It the Chocolate Pudding?: A Story For Little Kids About Divorce (Paperback)
by Sandra Levins
(Author), Bryan Langdo (Author)

What is Fair?

I'm always struck by the creative and nuanced property division agreements my clients develop. In most cases, I don't think any judge would have or could have come up with the same exact plan. Dividing all the property in half may make sense in court, but many folks have good reasons for working things out differently. A few factors people take into account: their history, income potential, other non-financial compromises made, ability to save, differential expenses, concern for the other person's welfare. The beauty of mediation is handcrafting an agreement that fits like your own glove, not one size fits all.

Lawyers and Divorce

FAQ about Maryland separation and divorce law
Q. Do we have to get a lawyer to get divorced?
A. No, you are not required to see a lawyer in order to get divorced; you can file “pro se”, representing yourself. On the other hand, it’s a smart idea to ask an attorney your legal questions, and to have an attorney review your mediated agreement and/or put it into legal language. You can both mediate and use an attorney for the limited purpose and cost of “receiving counsel.”

New Beginnings

In our multicultural society, it's nice to be able to learn and borrow from other people's traditions. This past weekend Jews celebrated Rosh Hoshana, the Jewish New Year. For the New Year, Jews review the past year's events, both good and bad. They look inside themselves to discover how they can become a better person in the coming year. The slate is wiped clean, and one tradition is to go to a lake and toss bread crumbs in the water symbolizing the sins of the past year. It feels great to get a new beginning, in which you can let go of ways that aren't working and build on your strengths. Regardless of the traditions you embrace, feel free to experience this month as a new year. May each of you enjoy a fresh beginning!

Taking Care of Kids

Attitudes abut sharing parenting (legally = joint custody) after divorce have shifted in the ten years I’ve been mediating divorces. Ten years ago, most couples spent hours working out complex schedules down to the minute for where the children would spend Christmas and other holidays. It was unheard of for divorcing parents to celebrate a holiday or birthday together, unusual for the “non-custodial” parent to be allowed to spend time with the children in the “custodial” parent’s home. Most couples felt that children should live with their mothers and visit their fathers every other weekend.

Today, I see many couples sharing time equally, with the children being in each home half the week. More fathers are insisting on this, and more mothers are agreeing. There are almost as many schedules as there are couples, but overall, people are choosing much greater flexibility than predetermined, unchangeable time slots for “visitation. I am hearing more couples express confidence they can work out changes and schedules as they come up. Whether the lack of rigid rules is progress, which is my fervent hope, or whether the lack of guidelines will bring new challenges will emerge over time.


My hope is that each couple can come up with a plan that best meets THEIR CHILDREN’S needs, as well as the realities of their work obligations, and that they can also remain open-minded to needed changes as the plan evolves and the kids’ activities and abilities change.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog!  When I meet someone new and tell them I mediate divorces, their first comment is to guess this must be a very stressful job.  I explain that though it is occasionally tense, most days it is highly rewarding to be a catalyst for getting people in conflict to talk and listen to each other.  Like mud, a mediation session is fertile ground for new growth.