Do our children have a voice?

Years ago, professionals working with divorce (judges, social workers, mediators, and custody evaluators) realized that putting the children "in the middle" led to terrible loyalty dilemmas that kids were ill equipped to handle. Choosing between Mom and Dad was usually a lose-lose situation for a young child, who feared the loss of affection from whichever parent he or she didn't choose. We also realized that putting kids on witness stands to testify was traumatizing, and to be avoided at all costs.
The pendulum has swung so far that many parents are afraid, during divorce, to ask their children, especially older ones, teens, what they want. Yet we all know that when a person (of any age) has a choice and some control in a tough situation it can be much more empowering than when someone else makes all the decisions for you.
So the art is in searching for that middle ground: asking kids about their feelings and desires, giving them some choice appropriate to their age, but not allowing them to choose to love one parent more than the other. It's a middle ground well worth looking for, and mediation is the perfect place for that searching conversation.