You Promised You Wouldn't...

Sometimes in the heat of the decision to separate, promises are made without much thought. It usually goes something like this:

Q. You wouldn't get nasty and go after my pension, would you?
A. Of course not, you earned it all these years.

Part of the mediator's job is to make sure people are making informed decisions, with all the information at hand so that there isn't any "buyer's remorse" later on. So I insist that all assets and debts are listed and that they look at the whole picture before making final choices about division of their assets.

When that balance sheet shows a big imbalance, not a 50/50 split, the partner who denied wanting anything may then see it differently. The emerging conflict is tougher because of the pre-existing expectations. At least it is discussed in the mediation setting, instead of erupting later on when it feelslike there is nowhere to head but court.